Sunday, March 06, 2005
shh bel shh! our deepest darkest secret. deeper than the pacific ocean. darker than erm... well, your skin colour. more secret than my temporarily defunct crush on mr tall, dark and fill in the blank. (oh btw for all those who do not already know, i've shifted from the state of no-blogging peace to that of anti-crushing virginial peace. soothes the mind and soul, but not the heart. duh)...
anyway, taking the cue from resh and xh, i've decided to do a -gasp!- serious entry. as we draw nearer and nearer to a testing period of self-discovery in our softball careers (yah, like we're professionals liddat) that will enable us to finally unravel the truth (can we make it?), the flippant and superficial attitude that i have always used as an approach in my entries is downright vulgar. and i mean it. i know when to get serious and when a little humour in our monotonous lives is needed (yes resh. situational awareness has taken over me!) and contrary to popular belief, i'm not made entirely out of air and fluff you know (probably only about 87% of my composition). and this is serious time. i'm not kidding. judgement day is coming and we're still showing no signs of improvement! many a time we think that we're getting better, that we can make it, grab back that golden thing we so narrowly lost in 2003. but we're not. we always think that we're that special batch. the one that can turn everything around. the batch that will be revered and admired. that batch that will leave behind a legacy. well, newsflash: every batch thinks that way. how about this for a change: what would it feel like to break rgs's proud tradition of winning the zone championships every season for the past few years? why does everyone keep saying the zones are not important? it is to us. i dunno what's going wrong. a win is still a win, yes. but the manner of our wins is hardly anything to rejoice about. it's not like we don't train enough. it's not like we're not bonded. not like we're not committed towards training. not like we're the first batch in years that went within sniffing distance of the nationals title. not like we're not willing to die fighting for each other on the field... but something's wrong and i dunno what it is! what's most agonizing is that we love each other so so so much and if we don't make it again this year, nothing will be able to express the heartbreak. a second time. i want to win for you. i want to throw them out for you. i want to whack the balls far for you. i want to fight for you. i want to die for you. i want to kickass for you. i love you. all of you. but when i step into the diamond, i just freeze. tapping balls and lobbing throws are so not my thing. i know i've let you down again and again and yet you still encourage me, make me feel like i'm doing fine. fact is, if i can't contribute i'm depriving someone of a place in the starting line up. and i don't want to. during training everything is cool. everything's beautiful. in the game it's different. why is it different? why am i different? great. now i've taken to talking to myself a la resh and ruoqi. i know i seem cheerful and act like everything is normal. act. but inside the turmoil of emotions running through me is suffocating. the rope around my neck is tightening gradually and i dunno what to do- the superficiality of my cl**ue in school. how i'm slowly drifting from my lord. that CRAP chinese test. conflicts in the family. and most of all, my inability to produce form during matches. it makes me so sad. =( how now brown cow? [stop moo-ing ruoqi!]
thanks ruoqi resh and karwei. heart-to-heart-ing on that little straw mat under the dark sky looking up at that lone star in the gorgeous greens of kallang was really inspiring. it's only with my family and with the softballers that i can find joy and laughter so pure. it helped me take a step closer to answering some of the burning questions i've been asking myself ever since my plunge into self-doubt and the mildest of depressions. maybe i've been focusing on the wrong thing all the time. is winning the gold everything? of course it is to me! but i've concentrated all my energy towards achieving that one goal that i've totally neglected everything else that is of importance. i've forgotten that in achieving a goal so big, little steps have to be taken. i guess i've been trying to leap up those steps to reach the top faster. missing those little but significant ones on the way. burning my energy furiously to no avail. because in the end, i slip and fall back down again. and this time the climb to the top is fraught with more difficulty than the last time. but it's okay. this time i shall try again. i know that i can't do it alone, and i thank my lucky stars (actually only lone but bright star that ruoqi spotted tonight) that i have a team as wonderful as this one. we shall climb the stairway to heaven together, taking small but important steps, helping each other along the way. this time we will make sure we reach there, enjoying the scenery along the way. and i know that when we do, it'll not be that golden thing that will be waiting for us, but something far more significant, far more important, something that we can treasure and that will last for a lifetime, even when this chapter of our life stories closes and a new one opens. because whichever chapter, i know i want you to be written into it. our friendship is too precious to lose. no, not our friendship. sisterhood. every moment spent with you... is a moment i'll treasure.
for now, we can take those small steps on tuesday and thursday. but we have to help each other. support each other. cheer each other on. believe in each other. reach for that dream. and however the outcome, i just want you guys to know how proud i am of your determination and dedication. we might not get to lift that golden thing in the end, but that is secondary. coz we know that we are champions, winners in our own rights.
having said that, coach wants 6 trophies this year. AND I DON'T WANT US TO BE THE ONLY ONES TO FAIL HIM!!! how malu would that be right? i meant what i said above, but we have to have to have to have to absolutely HAVE TO win. goodness!
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!deb.17-- rgssoftball'o5. if you can't run, fly.
retardebel 11:42 PM