Wednesday, April 20, 2005
supposed to be doing chem pt now but what the heck. i don't care anymore. it's not as if i don't spend every single waking and sleeping hour of my life working and slogging my ass off. whats the point. ten years down the road i'll look at my gpa score again and i won't give a damn even if it sucks. i mean WHO CARES. and yet it's all the world to me now. and probably most of the rgs population too.
so this is the point of rp. to "give us more time to ourselves to pursuit the activities that we enjoy". FUNNY. with two horribly demanding performance tasks plus rs, followed straight after by mid-years and then three more performance tasks, i won't even say i have ANY time to myself. everyone's walking around school like a zombie nowadays. screw rp. they implement it without even planning everything out properly. without considering whether the students can handle it. what's the point of feedback sessions? they just tweak their phrasing a weedle diddle bit and whoosh all the work comes pouring down on you again. yeah so we're not supposed to have any work during the holidays. the teachers give it to you a few weeks before sch hols and say tt it's due the first week after. "this performance task is given before the sch hols so you can always finish it BEFORE the sch hols. so there. technically we're not giving you any homework for the holidays." right now until the end of term we still have rs final report, MID YEARS and THREE freaking performance tasks to do. i'm so sure we'll have time to do the one tts due after sch hols. haiyah screw everything la. it's all screwed beyond words.
it totally doesnt help that all these performance tasks clash with our season. it's not like softball isn't still my top priority but now that work is starting to pile up like crazy, and being a typical normal kiasu perfectionist rgs girl, i still have to stay up till wee hours of the morning to do my work. despite having a match the day before and training the next day. it's like softball then right after that go straight home to do work. but once i reach home and plonk myself in front of the com, my eyelids just increase in weight by like a million times and before i know it i'd have slept till like 11 plus already. then i wake up wishing i could go on sleeping (fat hope) and painfully slog and squeeze every inch of my fried-beyond-fried brain in an attempt to produce decent pieces of work. it really doesn't help to have brilliant revolutionary geniuses of classmates. oh and then after you spend all the nights and mornings slogging away, it comes to softball and then before you can even -open- your eyes, the ball would've zoomed past and coach goes "oi second base why you miss those two balls. so easy to stop then you miss" blablabla...
arghhhh i'd much rather play well than score well cos playing well would then help to contribute to that gold we're aiming for on 28th april. it's just that no matter how much i try to psycho myself into thinking that i simply can't heck abt studies. i can't do a shit job of a performance task and bring myself to hand it up. sigh. yet i can't concentrate on two things at one time. i can't slog so hard to perfect my performance tasks, and go on that field and play like some superb.. i dunno. fine yeah i can't multi task. but whatever. it just sucks cos this year for softball is just so darn important to me. i wanna end off season on a good note. we only have three matches left to play... i want our team to put up a good fight for every single one of them cos we only have this much left to play before our season ends. can you imagine. the finals will be our LAST time playing together as rgs softball 05. The Special Batch in its wholesome goodness. all the sweat [especially the sweat that collects in ruoqi's gloves and boots and goodness knows what] blood [think chris-tin's nose] tears [because the sunlight reflects light into our eyes. or rather. deb's eyes.] those hours spent subbing and talking and laughing so loudly that we get scolded/chased away/knocked down by the kfc man and all those other memorable times we've spent together... it's all gonna end during that match. the moment we've been waiting a lifetime for. is it gonna end with a bang, or will it turn into the single most heart-breaking event in our lives? hahha i'm talking as though we're already through to the finals. but we will i believe we will. i really do. sigh. really wanna give my best for these last three matches so that we can minimise the screw ups and play a great game for every one of these matches. but then again screwing up is oftentime against my will. how can i even have the slightest desire of screwing up? yet time and again it happens... sigh
nowadays i'm like withdrawing into my own world too. got so many things on my mind. too many things to do. too little time. too little energy. don't even have time to talk and catch up with friends anymore. no time to share all my joys hurts sorrows rants and raves. no mood to joke and smile and act retarded. just too jaded and zombified for my own good. i wanna break out of that shell but it's just another case of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak". sigh. i wanna just throw all the cares of this world and fly away.. argh i sound suicidal. nvm. should start on chem pt now. and the cycle goes on... goodbye world.
bel
retardebel 12:07 AM